To My Little Man (or ‘Buddy’ as you are currently known),
This is kind of the first time I have spoken to you as such. I think about you all the time and wonder what you will be like and who you will turn into once you are out in the world with us.
Right off the bat, there are a few things I want you to know. Firstly, discovering that we were having you was one of the greatest gifts and surprises that your Dad and I could have had. We know that you were absolutely meant to come to us at this exact time and for this we feel very, very blessed.
Your Dad is a wonderful, wonderful man. He is beyond excited about your arrival and I know he is going to be the best Dad in the world. He is one of the kindest, loving, thoughtful and generous men I have ever known and I am extremely lucky to have him in my life, as you are. He can’t wait to guide you as you grow up and he is looking forward to all the experiences we will have as a family (especially trips to the AFL to watch his beloved Swannies play – that’s where your current nickname comes from; one of our favourite players, Buddy Franklin).
Secondly, I want to tell you about your big brother. His name is Bailey and he is my most special person in the world, apart from you and your dad of course. He is a such a beautiful soul who absolutely fills our lives with joy. He is funny, sensitive, loving, cheeky and gorgeous and he is so excited to meet you. I know without a doubt that you will love him and that he will be a wonderful big brother (get ready for hours of dressing up, busting crazy moves and watching the same DVD’s over and over again in years to come!).
Finally, I want you to know that I will do everything in my power to be the best Mum for you. I find myself looking at other little babies and trying to remember what it felt like when Bailey was that small. I worry whether I’ll automatically know what to do with you or whether it will seem like the same big ball of confusion that it was the first time around (I hope not!).
I’m hoping that I will be able to ‘go with the flow’ more this time. That I’ll be able to see whatever difficult times that come as just that – moments in time that will pass and that won’t send me off into a spiral of anxiety or depression. I’m hoping that I’ll be able to take things one moment and day at a time and that it will be a time that I am joyfully savouring, not one that I find myself wishing to speed up so that I can get to a point that feels less intense (While I love your big brother beyond belief and he is the greatest joy in my life, I struggled with those early months).
I choose to believe that the Universe has my back and that I am being Divinely Guided and supported through this journey of motherhood. While I never gave much thought to the ‘Universe’ and wasn’t too connected to my spiritual side before Bailey was born, my experience after his birth certainly led me to increase my belief in and reliance upon something greater than myself. I’ve come to recognise that stuff starts to hit the fan big time when you try to go it alone and believe that you have to do it all yourself.
I am so grateful to have this chance to experience motherhood again. Initially I found myself viewing this as a ‘do-over’, a chance to amend what came before with my first pregnancy. As hard as that was though, I now see that I don’t wish to erase it or have a ‘do-over’. That experience transformed every inch of my being and pushed me to my limits in every way possible. It was the catalyst for one of the deepest periods of growth I have ever been through, and at times I doubted whether I would come out the other side……
But I did. And everything that occurred shaped me and brought me to the place I am now – so in that regard, I wouldn’t change a thing. It is part of mine and Bailey’s story, so will always be sacred and special to me, and cannot be erased. I have learned to embrace and accept the post natal depression I experienced when Bailey was born because it not only transformed me and is part of my story but it allowed me to experience the dark side of life, which is just as significant and valuable a part of my life experience as the light side.
I am most certainly going to struggle at times and will stuff things up – that’s an inevitability when you are a parent! But please know that my intention is to do the best for you. I know that this experience of bringing you into the world will be unique and special in it’s own right and I will do my best to be open to every aspect of it. I can’t wait to meet you and create our own special bond and I feel honoured and blessed to have been given the role of being your Mum. I pray that I will be the mother you always dreamed of having and that you will always know what a gift you are to me and the world.
Sending you enormous love, hugs and kisses,
Your Mama Bear xx